First Day and McDs

I was just telling a friend the other day that I hate McDonalds. I haven't darkened the door of the closest one to our house in the almost 2 years that we've lived here - and yet here I sit today using the Wi-Fi because like her sister, Kaitlyn has launched out into the working world. To be honest, the cost of the gas was more than the cost of my time. It just so happened that we recently saw a sign out in front of McDs that they have Wi-Fi so I thought I could get some work done. Thankfully the restaurant is not busy because between the Kully-boy hopping around making music with condiment packets, his feet, his straw, and the blaring country music - I might find it hard to concentrate.
I took the picture of Kaitlyn as I dropped her off at work before she got out of the car. I had to beg. She didn't let me kiss her either. She is so different from Kendra. I hate to let her go. She looked like she aged about 10 years in the walk from the car to the front door.
A little while ago while we were sitting here, the manager walked by and he asked me how I knew they had Wi-Fi. I was telling him I saw it on the sign. He was pretty pleased as he has been trying to convince his manager that the sign brings in business. After he walked away, Kullen said, "Mom that guy likes you!" Loudly. I almost died. I asked him why he thought that. He said, "Cause he was flirting with you, old people style!"
You can feel pretty dang good about yourself some days until one of your kids opens their mouth! Thankfully it is about time to leave. 11 minutes and counting!

Almost Heaven

In my last post, my friend Dwayne reminded me that West Virginia was known as almost heaven... but not quite. It made me think of a funny sermon line our pastor used to say... "it ain't heaven till it's heaven". How true. It is a great perspective to have, that no matter where you are there are problems. The difference is, with my family of friends I learned all of the lessons that I should have learned in the safety and security of family. I learned that you can disagree with someone, or even have a falling out on something, but that if you love one another there is nothing that you aren't willing to get through and come out on the other side with an intact relationship. This is a process. With my parents, if you say something they don't like, live in a way that does not meet with their approval they may not speak to you for years. I have had some friends that I have had some serious rifts with over different things, and something beautiful happens along the way as love brought us back together. It is always love - and for the first time in my life I had that in my relationships. It wasn't always heaven, but love always prevailed. There is a palpable emptiness in my life where they used to be, and I feel like I am withering here without them.
It is hard for my husband. This is where his extended family is and he is in a place of having to choose what is best for the rest of us, or being here in case he is needed. I care a lot about my husband's family. They are a terrific bunch of people, but what I have with them mostly is a telephone relationship - which I could have from anywhere. It breaks my heart for him to have to make such a decision. We had a long talk about it - and the kids were articulating the best way they could how unhappy they have been here overall. Please be praying for our family as we move through this difficult process.

BTW - I woke up yesterday morning with the top right quarter of my back in serious pain that didn't go away through the day. It gets worse at night - so sitting, standing, laying - nothing seems to be comfortable. I kept heat on it quite a bit. I am not sure what is going on but I think it is likely stress related. My muscles were so tight the other day that I could barely turn my head. This is not good.

Homesick Manifesto

I have had a lot of difficulties adjusting since we moved to Texas in May 2006. Most of them were well anticipated - as I was leaving the first long-term "home" I had ever had, and the friends the Lord surrounded me with to give me the family of his making, not biological but the ones with ties that wrap all the way around your heart, and are not easily undone.
There is a lot that could be said about all the places that I have lived. I counted them out once and there are more than 20 different towns in states up and down most of the east coast. My parents' divorce was the cause for a lot of it. My personal insecurities caused me to continue a lot of this pattern into my adult life. However, in 1995 after a three month separation, Travis and I settled in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia - and there we stayed for almost 11 years. I made the best friends I had ever had in my life. These were the people who gathered around when my babies were born, the ones who filled our home with their presence and prayer support when we were in need, rejoiced with us when something good happened, and cried with us when we struggled and suffered. They are the people who would leave toilet paper and laundry detergent on the front seat of our car when they knew Travis was out of work, and point at one another and shrug their shoulders unknowingly when asked about it to preserve our dignity. They are the ones who filled your life with great excitement and surprise in the everyday of it all, side by side. We would hang out in the wee hours of the morning together, play games, talk, laugh, debate. I finally had the family that I had always wanted. I knew moving away would be hard, but felt that we owed it to Travis to get to know his family and try to make a life where he wanted to be.
The thing is, being here has been hell. It isn't the place or the people, but it is truly that my heart is elsewhere. We haven't succeeded in building the family relationships that we had hoped to, and find that we are quite alone. Financially we are in the same boat. With the rising economy, I have realized that in a short amount of time, we will quickly be stuck wherever it is that we live with little life outside, unable to even afford a yearly trip home to the people we love and who love us. I feel that we have made every effort to transplant our hearts here and find that the soil is not conducive to establishing good, healthy roots. I feel that if we don't get back to the soil where we thrive, we will wither and die. The kids have made it clear to me that they feel the same way, which gives me leave to express it fully knowing that I am not the only one who knows that this is not where we belong.
No whining, just a statement. This is my manifesto - my proclamation to the world - I don't know how, and I don't now when, but I am going home.

Restored Faith in the World

I don't think that we often realize the power of patience, a kind word, a smile. We often underestimate how powerful treating every person as if they are just like you, without any assessment of rank or status can be. We had a moment of restored humanity today at the local bank. Yep, our itty bitty town has an itty bitty bank, the size of a small trailer. We had to have some papers signed for our mortgage company in front of a notary. It was a very nice office, but a bit awkward, as the only place to sit when we first got there was a few feet away from the desk where another couple was opening a checking account.
The lady that helped us was amazing. We only went for a notary signature, but she looked at our paperwork, advised us, answered questions, and went far above and beyond what would be expected. The most awesome part is that she treated us like human beings, understanding that anyone can have hard times. The cost for all of this - zero. I can't believe we got the best customer service ever in our little bitty town. I think that I am going to bake her some cookies one day next week, just to say thank you.

You Are Welcome

My post about lurkers coming out, and considering putting my blog on private status generated a lot of feedback, both via this blog and email. I am not going underground, and it did make me feel a bit better to see some of you come out of the woodwork! I just wanted to say how much joy it gives me that so many of you would share my life - the highs and lows, the joys and woes, the stops and starts, the fun and........ no more rhyming cause you probably have a good idea of what might rhyme with starts - and I know I have one friend who would never visit me here again! (Stephanie!)
To answer some questions, no scary comments or anything of that nature, just an overwhelming feeling of being the focus of some intense voyeurism . While it is a very public website, but it is often very personal. The blogosphere is a pretty scary thing sometimes. It is just nice to know that I am among friends. I am rolling out the red carpet. Please don't ever leave!

Happy 18th Birthday to Our Tayva!

FYI: drunk = silly - they were very young at the time of said lemon juice and flashing incident!

Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are

I am getting a lot of blog traffic lately. I am starting to feel uneasy about the number of repetitive visits I am seeing each day from several repeat IP addresses, and am considering putting my blog on private, invitation only for a while. If you are a regular visitor to this blog, would you please make yourself known - especially if you visit more than once a day.

Par-tay

Kendra and her friend Katelyn had a joint party last night for their birthdays which were both over two months ago. The end of the school year, plays and rehearsal schedules, etc. all kept them from having it until now. They wanted to plan it themselves and paid for most everything. The party was hosted at Katelyn's house. She turned 18 on her last birthday and leaves for college in August. Kendra turned 17 in April. She is leaving for Italy in 2010 - except she's taking me with her!
They had gourmet pizzas, virgin pina coladas, and a lovely salad among other tasty things. One of the things that was most surprising about this party was that it was all girls. I don't remember ever hearing of girls this age not wanting boys at their party. They had great food, everybody dressed up in new sundresses, did their hair and make-up - for each other. How cool is that? I hope they always enjoy the company of girlfriends like this!
In this group picture, the birthday girls are in the front wearing tiaras!

The Prodigal Son and the Father's Love

Try explaining to a very analytical 10 year old the story of the prodigal son and how it mirrors the relationship we have with God. Try doing this at midnight. We were cuddled up in the dark talking about the way God rejoices when someone who has been away comes back to Him. There were questions and answers, singing of snippets from the song, "When God Ran" from Phillips, Craig and Dean. It is a poignant picture. I wonder how a child who has never really known the rejection, distance of alienation of a parent can experience this in as profound a way as I did. I know that I can trust God to reveal His love to Kullen, all on His lonesome, but I know that I ached to be loved with that kind of abandon. This picture of the father, watching and waiting for the son, seeing him come from far off, and casting all dignity aside, hiking up his garment and running for all he was worth to the son who could have surely been called a disappointment, a lost cause, a failure is one that I need fresh daily. Sometimes I wonder how children who grow up in loving homes need Him like I do.
Thank you Papa.

Apology and Retraction

In my haste to post some instructions for backing up your blog, my wording misrepresented my thoughts and may have inadvertently sounded accusing. Please read the edits in this post to clarify the matter, and clear Homeschoolblogger of any malicious intent. Sincerely.