Compassionate Kids – A Reply to Sara

I have been really excited to be turned on to some terrific blogs through the Emerging Women blog. It is so fantastic – the theology, the struggles, the encouragement, the freedom to explore faith, "tip sacred cows", and the amazing sisterhood that is found there has been a real joy lately.

One of my favorite new blogs from this blog ring is The Carnival In My Head. Perky author, Cathy posted about When One of Us Hurts, We all Hurt. She shared her thoughts about the book A Thousand Splendid Suns and how it explores the plight of Afghani women. She said how she was so overwhelmed at times she had to put the book down, and it made me sad. Sad because I realized how desensitized I have become to the overwhelming sadness, pain and sorrow in the world. I shared how as a child my parents assured me that there wasn't anything that I alone could do to help when I was moved to agonizing tears over hungry children in the world. In the conversation that followed, another commenter asked me how I thought as parents we could nurture this heart of compassion, this connectivity to the human experience the world over, and this inability to shrug at injustice and suffering in the world. (She may have just said "what's a mom to do?" but this is what I read between the lines.) What follows is what started out as a 'reply comment' that turned into a post of its own.

I think that it comes down to respectful parenting - which to me is conjoined to our family breaking out of the traditional church which not only de-values women but also children. When my kids are upset, I don't minimize it anymore. I don't rub it off. We feel it together. We hurt, we pray, we cry. My oldest was about 11 when our church was taking a group on a mission trip to an area in Mexico suppressed by extreme poverty. Because she knew that she could not go, she decided to do what she could. She saved her allowance and money she found here and there, and took it to the guy who was leading the trip - a very activist, compassionate type - and handed him this baggie of change, and asked him to do something nice for the children when he went to Mexico. It was THE delight of her life when he came back and showed her pictures of the children eating ice cream that SHE bought. It didn't save the world - but it made the lives of some children better even if for only five minutes. I think if we could focus more there – something small we can do, we are so less likely to be overwhelmed.

If we let our children's hearts of compassion be engaged, and step out of the way I think we can harness the power that will change the world five minutes at a time. This doesn't mean we have to foot the bill behind every idea they have - but support it, help them, give them opportunities to earn money or help them find resources.

Letting your children grow into compassionate, aware, human beings that care about others and the world around them is a risk. Sometimes it means that people will take advantage of their caring hearts. Sometimes they will be used for their generous natures. Sometimes they will be vulnerable to others. You can't teach discernment, but you can model it if you choose to live out loud outside of your own head and let them know why you are doing something or not doing it. And sometimes, we will model it wrong, but as a parent I have chosen to let my kids learn from my mistakes – and boy is there ample opportunity for that. Just yesterday I was in the mall with my daughters and I said, "I have a hard time enjoying the mall when I know there are people in the world that don't have anything to eat today." Yep, I am a real party pooper that way. But, in typical teenage girl fashion, the gushed that they loved the mall. They're allowed. I didn't shame them for it though I secretly felt the urge to regurgitate that I birthed these often superficial beings. I just let them be who they are – and hope that I can learn from them, and they can learn from me. As a wise sage once said, "we're all in this together". Or maybe that was High School Musical. Dang! Sound theology is everywhere.

Hairy Subject

I have been letting my hair grow for a while now. Basically what that means is I have a lot of hair and I don't really know what to do with it much of the time. About week ago I decided that I wasn't 16 (major revelation) and that I did not have the right kind of face to wear my hair without bangs. So, I snipped them, and have been ever so happy that I did. I also realized that I hate my hair permed. In the east Texas humidity what it means is that I have long strands of fuzz going down my back. Thanks to some terrific hair products, I can blow dry and smooth my hair out and I almost have the hair I like - although admittedly much of the time at home it is in one of those clips the size of the jaws of life or a ponytail. I am not sure that the long hair would be do-able in Texas with the heat we have here. We already had the AC on in the car yesterday and you can smell the ocean! For better or worse here is a picture -my kids hate it cause I'm not smiling, but I was trying to take it of myself - ergo the remote!
I just want to say that I took these pictures yesterday morning, so I am not snagging Kate's hair posting idea! ha ha Her haircut is so awesome!

The Power of "Because I Said So"

Today I got to thinking about how far from my childhood I have come as a parent. My parents liked to use - if not the words - at least the "Because I said so" mentality. You were a child. You were to be seen and not heard.
But the other day, I asked one of my kids to do something, and they did what they "thought" I wanted instead, and I actually heard myself say, "Don't think, just do what I say." *gasp*
This is absolutely the opposite of what I want my children to do.
I always want them to think.
I never want them to do something just because someone says so without evaluating it - not with anal intensity, but with common sense, practicality, wisdom.
I couldn't believe I said it - but I heard myself and made a speedy correction.
The thing is that in a relationship of mutual respect and trust, cooperation comes more readily. It has taken me a long time to learn this. It has been a trip to learn that I don't have to control my kids or exert authority over them because I have the power to do so. This is the kind of parent that God is with me - He allows natural consequences of my actions, but He never exerts the power that is His just because He can.
I do not always do this well -often reverting to the natural hard-wiring. Today we were in the car and I asked Kaitlyn to squirt some hand-sanitizer in her brother's hand. Instead she gave it to him. I had a list of reasons why I wanted her to do it the way I said it - it wouldn't get put away, it gets laid on the floor, stepped on, and squirted across the carpet, it won't be where it should be when we need it again, etc. I just didn't want to take the time to tell her all of them. I got aggravated with her when she did it "her" way instead of mine, instead of letting her know why it was important to do it the way I requested. The thing is - if one of my friends were in the car, and did just the same thing, I would take the time to explain it to them. Why do my kids deserve any less? What do I teach them when I get aggravated and irritated and expect blind obedience instead of sharing with them why it matters to me that it is done a certain way.
This is just one example - maybe some of you are thinking - so what about the dang hand sanitizer. This is just the most recent example I have - work with me!

Some Thoughts on Cleaning

I know - I know - insane, but I used the quiet time alone this morning to deep clean both of our bathrooms without interruption. It is still only 9:30 so I have some down time before going to get the kids - except there is this nagging task my husband keeps reminding me of which is to go get the oil changed in my car - ugh - so I might go and do that. I was going to look for a Jiffy Lube next to Starbucks and take a good book. That'd be R&R - or not for a squirrelly person like me who has to look up everytime they call out an order to see who got what - and then spend 10 minutes regretting the drink it took me 20 minutes to decide on. I'm a lost cause.
Can I recommend never, ever again cleaning your bathroom mirror? I have decided that the dust and toothpaste splatter are there for a reason. I think it was divine inspiration that created such things. The haze on the mirror acts as one of those filters like they use at Olan Mills that softens and smooths fine lines, wrinkles and blemishes. I got the first good look at myself in six months a while. Not pretty.
Take it from me - for someone that is slightly nutty like myself - having time to clean the bathroom without a million interruptions which come usually about the time you have your head half-way down the toilet bowl or are perched precariously on the edge of the tub trying to keep your butt and boobs balanced - was a real luxury. I also got to catch up on some God Journey podcasts. Good stuff.

Enjoy it For Now

The girls went to a high school Valentine's party at a friend's house tonight, and the girls are staying to sleep over. Kullen is also friends with the brother, and was invited to come, hang out, and spend the night there. (He was totally jazzed about this!) The girls were dressing up - and they looked so beautiful I just had to take some pictures. I'm sharing a couple, but you can see them all here.
It has been so quiet here tonight. I did have some quiet time alone snuggling with Travis until he passed out from the long day at work.
I have really enjoyed the quiet time to myself - but at the same time I miss the kids. I hate going to sleep without them in the house. I know the day will come when all too soon, they won't be coming home to sleep - and I do not look forward to that day.
When I saw them tonight, all dressed up it just took my breath away. My baby girls are growing up so fast, and so is my little boy. I wish I knew how to always be present in these days - to truly enjoy every moment. It seems to elude me.
Right now they're probably listening to loud music, laughing with friends and creating memories and new inside jokes, eating junk food and drinking soda. Kullen just called to tell me goodnight - but he didn't seem very interested. For the first time ever, it seemed he thought I hugged him too long before I left him at the party.
Oh well, I won't dwell on this right now. I'll drink my hot tea, read a book, and go to bed knowing that I will wake up to a nice, quiet house tomorrow morning! For now, I will enjoy it!

Tony Campolo - Don't Miss the Point

I got this link of an interview with Tony Campolo today on a yahoo group that I frequent. It was great. One of my favorite sermons ever was the time my pastor impersonated Tony doing one of the sermon's that he is most famous for called "It's Friday, but Sunday's Coming".
In the discussion that followed the sharing of this link, my friend Jenny said she loves it when Tony shares this with groups:

"there are [some number] of children starving in this world today, and most of you don't give a sh*t ... and what's even worse, most of you are more concerned right now about the fact that I just said sh*t than that I just said there are children starving."

Sometimes we just miss the whole point.

Let's Go To the Mall - You Know They Have it All

If you are even a semi-regular reader to this blog, you may have caught wind of the fact that I would rather have a root-canal without anesthesia, give birth to a 34 pound baby au naturale, or a number of other torturous things than go to the mall. I don't like shopping in general, but the thought of going to the mall gives me hives. So, it is no small thing when my daughters ask me to get in the car and schlepp them 40 miles down the road to the crack cocaine experience of shopping. The only consolation prize, and the only way I can even manage to go most of the time is if I get to hang out in the bookstore. Tonight I was smart, thinking "I'll bring my laptop and catch up on some blogging." I have been SO busy the last few days that I have had blog posts rattling around in my brain and no opportunity to outlet them. Now most of them are gone like dissolving clouds and flying pink elephants. (Did you catch another drug reference? Yikes.) I get to the bookstore cafe, grab my caramel macchiato, browse a few books and sit down with my laptop to blog and I realize I have WAY too many distractions to really blog my deep thoughts here. It is like taking a child to a candy store - the kind where they make the candy there and you can smell chocolate, fudge, butterscotch, and caramel - and telling that child NOT to think about candy. I adore books, there is amazing music playing, and I am pumping an intense dosage of caffeine - so I am WAY overstimulated in every possible way.
So, I have two books that I am torn between - Everything Must Change by Brian McLaren and The Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus that was recommended by Gayle. Leaning heavily towards the Brian McLaren since I've wanted to read him for a long time - I just wish it was paperback. Helpful book lady informed me not until October - well I can't wait that long.

A Cat's Life

Wouldn't it be great to have a cat's life? Except maybe for the having to clean your fur with your tongue and having dogs chase you up trees, it'd be pretty awesome. I think house cats pretty much have it made. Right now we have too many to have them inside - but it is so much fun to watch them hunt, play, fight. We looked outside the other day and saw two of them on the roof of our neighbor's house.
The weather was so nice today that I kept finding excuses to get up from work and stretch my legs, and then I would find myself wandering outside. My wrap-around porch has become the den of kitties! Kullen was so excited when he saw three of the kittens asleep together in this pot he screamed for me to come and see. Aren't they just precious. Our little gray tabby girl, "the huntress" had to get in on the act.

Could've Been Much Worse

I was really tired this evening. On my way home from the long day of co-op I kept noticing that my car was handling strangely. It felt like my tires might be low. I made a mental note to self, tell Travis about the tires, whenever I actually get to see him again.
Low and behold Travis was home and awake when I got here. We were talking about a funeral that a lot of people we know had gone to of a teenage girl that pulled out of a gas station parking lot and was plowed into by a truck, losing her life. I also informed Travis of two fatalities in the accident that kept him from getting home on Saturday night. These two things reminded me about my tires.
Travis said he'd "check them later". I said I would check the tire pressure before taking Kendra to work in the morning - which made him decide to go out and check them right away. He came back in to get me and had me put my hand along the inside edge of my driver's rear tire - you could put your hand INSIDE the large gap in the tire and feel a bunch of steel wires sticking through.
He asked me how fast I had been going. I said "oh 70 - 75". He just walked away from me shaking his head saying, "oh my God".
I was bummed about the prospect of having to buy a tire - but I guess it could've been much much worse.

Hey Anonymous - Cease and Desist Would Ya?

Through site feed, we can trace the trail of where you've been. Why do you find it necessary to visit the blogs of unschoolers just to ridicule and criticize what you do not understand?
If you feel it necessary to tout the benefits of public school, and the beauty and pleasure that it brings into your life, please feel free to go to Blogger and get your very own blog. Heck, I'll even visit, and if I comment, I promise to at least be signed in so that you'll know I stand behind what I say, and if you so choose, you can respond.
I am okay with a different perspective, and while I may not find your viewpoint to be agreeable, I would defend your right to your own opinion and the freedom to choose a life that suits you and your family - and if you value freedom and liberty - you should defend my rights equally.
This is a personal blog - where I write about my family, myself, my beliefs, my passions. It is horrifying to me that some children spend 12 years of their lives in the public school institution, becoming government cogs, and mindless drones regurgitating often incorrect factoids, and never truly developing critical thinking skills, the ability to talk to adults and socialize with people of all ages, or following their passions and developing personal greatness instead of being bent towards mediocrity. But hey that's just me.
Please don't visit my blog - or the blogs of my friends unless you want to participate in a discussion. That would involve not hiding behind anonymous comments. It borders on stalking and harassment.