Taking the Next Step

Little bits and pieces are coming together. Loose ends are getting tied up. I am starting to see a small ray of light at the end of the tunnel. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life, and if you've read this blog at all I am sure you already know the kind of angst going on inside of me. I was looking at some blog archives the other day and remembered this post and song. That was last April. I'm not going to live another year of my life like this, and no matter how it hurts - I am just going to push forward for a better life.
I got an email this morning from a friend that strengthened me. It helped me know that I won't be lost forever in the muck that I feel is drowning me right now.

So we shall allot the first month for misery & mourning. Then when it is over.... it will be Spring. You will be home. There will be walks at the river, hikes on the trail, lunches & coffee out with friends. Then comes Fall, the time I start missing you the most. This year you get leaves & pumpkin flavored everything, Halloween party & Oktoberfest & bonfires at the river. Then Thanksgiving, Planes Trains & Automobiles & finally Christmastime with you, the way I like it best. You have done this for years "with" him.... now you can do it alone without him. Only you won't be alone. You will be free.

Validation of my pain. Permission to mourn. A future to look forward to.
I'm taking the next step....

Thinking of the Chapmans

Today, all day long, the Chapman family's loss of their 5 year old daughter Maria has been on my mind. I have been wondering how a family continues the next day after such a tragedy. I remember waking up the morning after my grandmother died - which was the first significant loss in my life - and having just a brief second of normal before the waves of grief crashed in. Watching the videos of how much those little girls were loved, I couldn't help but think how blessed little Maria was to have been able to be a part of such a loving family for such a brief time on this earth - and yet it makes her death no less sad.
I was also wondering how a family copes with the situation - a teenage son has literally wielded the weapon that caused a fatal injury to his baby sister, and even though it was accidental, it must be such a bitter pill to swallow. The pain the whole family is feeling must surely weigh on the young man's shoulders, and for his sake I hope they never reveal which brother it was driving the SUV. It isn't important for us to know. I also know as a parent how I react, regardless of intent, when one of my kids hurts one of their siblings. How can something like this be made better?
I have just had a heavy heart for this family today. I was hoping my friend Kirsten, a big Steven Curtis Chapman fan who is headed back for the mission field in Africa yesterday may have escaped hearing such sad news. This afternoon I had just gotten home from an afternoon out when my husband called and said he was 30 miles away with a flat tire,and he needed me to bring him some tools. The traffic that time of day is terrible and I was out of gas. When I stopped at the pump to find that gas was $3.79 a gallon, I was tempted to grumble and complain - and then I remembered a family mourning the loss of a little girl - and how something like that makes the importance of everything else come into crystal clear focus.

Sad Anniversary

Can I be a little controversial? I know how tragic the loss was on September 11th, 2001. It was a terrible day that none of us will soon forget - of unbelievable proportions. I know we should continue with reverence and love to remember those that are lost. For those who had loved ones that lost their lives on that day, how could they ever forget? What I wonder at is the tributes that seem to be turning into an annual funeral, and how healthy it is for people to have this event as an emotional axis for their lives. Instead of a memorial, it has become a yearly mass scab removal. I wonder how healing will ever take place for these families that make the pilgrimage to Ground Zero every year.
I have never had a loss quite as shocking as the loss of loved ones at the hands of terrorists. I am not sure if there is maybe a piece that I am missing experientially to be able to fully identify with what these who have been left behind need - perhaps an annual opportunity to gather together with others who experienced the same loss and grieve together is a very important part of that healing. I lost my grandparents 16 years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter - both very suddenly and 3 days apart. I miss them. Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes I want to talk about them and remember their lives, but I know that it would finish me off if we had to relive their funeral every year on the anniversary of their deaths. In my heart I memorialize them. They live on in me and I will never forget, but in order to continue to live, my life could not be engulfed by their deaths.
I am concerned that these families will get stuck where evil touched their lives, and that the lives of those who were lost that day will pale in comparison to how they died.