An Update

I haven't blogged in so long that I don't know where to start. I miss my blog and the discipline of daily writing, but it got a little weird for a while. I am such an open person that it was hard for me not to emote all over the place. I see value in the ability to be open and real for the sake of others who may stumble upon my writing and find that they aren't crazy - that this is how it feels to let your heart break, to move forward into the unknown - but I needed to take a break.

The truth of my situation as I see it now is that everything I feared would happen has indeed happened. All of the worst possible scenarios played out. I have had to leave the kids for longer periods of time that I ever wanted, expect more of them that I ever hoped to, and have faced some of the hardest truths about myself and my life. I would love to say that it's all come up roses, but it's still hard.

The most recent stress of our situation is my landlord that said I could live in the house for a year has decided t put it on the market after only 7 months. It may take 5 more months to sell it, but nonetheless it looks like we'll be moving again. I am ready to move on. This shared house thing is really for the birds. I do not like moving, but see this as a stepping stone to a better life.

There are some huge bright spots. I have a job I love helping homeschool families in need. It has been amazing and a great "reality check" to remind me that lots of people are in very difficult situations, many severely worse than my own. I have friends that love me - we hang out and play cards, watch movies, hike the Appalachian Trail and all sorts of things. They bring me groceries, listen to me whine and pray for me. I am truly blessed in this. Truly.

This weekend I am going with four women from my family to New York City for the weekend!!! I am so excited. I have always wanted to go. I have felt a little guilt over going and not taking the kids but I know I really need the break. I love my kids - they are excited for me. How cool is that? I'm hoping to bring back a more sane, relaxed mom for them.

Hope all of my friends out there in bloggy-land are doing well. I haven't read blogs in years. I hope to resume that part of my life one day in the very near future.

I'm Not Brave

In the past few weeks so many people have told me how proud they are of me and how brave I am. I feel so the opposite. Last night was the first night the kids were downstairs watching a movie and I heard the floor upstairs creak and stood completely still for just a minute, terrified. My mom was single for a while, and even when she was married my step-dad worked a lot of nights so she would go out and leave me alone. I have done this a million times. But now it seems so real, so permanent, so much up to me.
The crazy part is that the biggest threat to me and my family has lived inside the four walls with us for the last 20 years. I have protected and defended myself and my children, but in a far different fashion that anyone might have imagined. I know I can do this, but sometimes I feel tremendous fear. There is nothing to do but what is before me. So I went to bed afraid last night, and today I make it through another day.

If you were interested in seeing pictures inside they house they are available here. You can click on them and make them larger if you look.

Haven of Peace

I got quite a bit done today, including watching Mamma Mia with my friend who is Ethel to my Lucy. It was nice to sit in the afternoon with a hot cup of coffee and chill for a couple of hours. I then proceeded to get the living area mostly done. There is a little section which is going to be Kullen's room that needs some attention, but it looks and feels like home. Some of my closest friends describe me as a "nester" and it is true. When I move - I am absolutely driven to get things put away, hung up and in order. It is essential to my sanity and I literally cannot relax until it is done. I am hoping to post some pictures here later of our new place. For now I am posting this outside picture that was taken by my cell phone. It is the only one I have at the moment. We have our main living area in the finished basement which is accessible from a door behind the fence between the house and the garage. I have a bedroom upstairs - it is yellow and Kaitlyn says it is good for me because it is cheery. We also have a fabulous kitchen that is shared on occasion with the owner of the house when she comes up from South Carolina to take care of infrequent business with a daycare center that she owns. It is an amazing blessing because we have a decent place to call home for the same rent as I would be paying in a subsidized apartment with my kids. There are children in the neighborhood that have overwhelmed Kullen - but I feel sure he will warm up to them and have great times playing with other kids. All the kids have had friends over and it has been awesome to have people around us again. It makes me feel loved, supported and stronger.
This morning the kids and I went for our first counseling session. It was tremendous. We walked away with a lot of insight and the lady who is counseling us is amazing. She validated that we were living in an abusive environment - and asked me to admit it to myself. It isn't easy. It is easier to think what I was always told, that other people had it much worse, and that it wasn't "that bad". The counselor wants to see us individually starting with me. She helped me see that some of the things Travis is doing even now are manipulative. He tries to put all the responsibility for the way the kids interact with him on me - she called it triangulating. She also helped me know that it is okay for the kids to tell their dad that they don't want to talk to him right now, and that he needs to respect that boundary. She gave us language to use when people ask questions we aren't ready to answer. She also made it very clear that the one year I was asking for was of the utmost importance. It was all very helpful and even Kullen - who went into the appointment saying, "I'm not talking to anyone about my problems!" warmed up to her by the end of our session.
So, we breathe, eat, sleep, live, and move. Life goes on. I have this sadness deep inside still - but it isn't consuming me anymore.

A Cat House

My neighbor made me this terrific pillow for my porch swing, all I had to do was give her the fabric. She even made the cover removable so I can wash it. It is really spectacular and I enjoy sitting on the porch swing so much more now. However, every time I go outside to sit on MY swing, the above is what I find. It appears that the kittens have found the lovely cushion as well, and have decided to make it their new bed. All during devotions this morning I kept seeing the swing jangling outside, and eventually the cushion fell off for all of their frolicking. Goodness gracious! It seems the kittens have taken over my house!

Something's Abuzz

Three pots of coffee last night and a sink full of cups this morning means that there were friends in the house last night. And a lot of them. There were 3 adults and 3 teenagers aside from the members of our family. The adults sat and drank coffee all evening and discussed spiritual things until well past midnight. It was incredible and awesome. I am hungry for God's word again in a way that I haven't been in a long time - which is why this post will be short this morning - I am off to my quiet time. But I just wanted to say - what joy was overflowing my heart to have a house full of friends who love the Lord last night! It soothes the homesickness that seems to always ride underneath the surface.

House For Sale

House For Sale

Harpers Ferry
3 br, 2 ba walk-out basement, vinyl siding
rancher - great location and quiet neighborhood in beautiful mountain setting
$279,900



This is how an ad for our house might read. There are so many other things it could say, if there were enough lines to tell the story. It could say that we prayed for our own home for ten years before we were blessed to be able to buy this one. At one point in the financing when our loan wasn't looking like it was going to go through, Porky (our pastor) met us, and we sat on the front steps and prayed that the Lord would provide.

I remember the day that we moved in, I have a lap quilt that is very special to me. As the furniture was still being moved in, I hung it on the wall - because it symbolized to me that this was our "home".

Before our financing could go through, there were several things we had to do. We built a railing to go on the back door. Having never built a railing before,I went to the lumber store and asked a hundred questions. I know they were glad when I left. That night, Travis and I put it together.

The day after we moved in, while I was busy unpacking, my girls tied a rope across two trees outside, and made a little tent like structure, spread a blanket on the ground, and had a picnic. The played out there for hours. It was such a joy to watch them enjoying their own yard.

My parents divorced when I was nine, and although there was always a place to call "home", my heart never truly rested anywhere again, until we bought this house. I had been "home"less - so to speak - for about twenty years. I think all of that may make it a bit harder for me to let go. But I know God is teaching me things I cannot know without this journey. I will stay thankful for that, and remember that the memories of my family in this house that became our home will stay forever!