God - I need you.
I am the one leaving, yes. I am walking away. While he talks of miracles and things that might be, I have heard it all before. I am not a stone. I feel it. I want it. It was supposed to be him in the framed pictures of all that I see for the future. Not cracked glass and an image torn in two.
I got boxes today - tidy and neat containers in which to put the pieces of my life if I had the strength to pick them up.
A heavy need to wail overcame me when I started this post and I stopped to indulge awhile. There is no comfort for my pain. I mourn as one with no hope. My prayers for the miracle of his softened heart turned to me fell on deaf ears for far too long to endure. The vow to love hanging over me unfulfilled.
How do you start to see the world again through cracked glass, with only half of what you thought you were? This is a pain that feels too deep to bare alone, and I am left here, crying like a baby for her mother. No mother will come. No miracle.
I know that you are hurting and I have been where you are so many times with my husband. I understand that it is hard to understand that God would want anyone to stay in an abusive marriage. I don't really know the extent of your abuse but just want to share what happened to me. I was married to an alcoholic. After years of binges and being at the point of leaving I prayed and decided to leave it in Gods hands. Each time my husband would come to me and ask for forgiveness and make promises. Each time I forgave and stayed. My life was hell. Broken promises over and over but I stood on the promise that if I stayed he would be saved. I had to give all my feelings to God. Now I am married to a wonderful man and after 30 years we are truly bonded and love each other enough to truly try not to do anything that would hurt the other. I didn't change husbands but God was faithful and we made. No overnight miracle but non the less I am so thankful that I never gave up on God.
ReplyDeletePlease don't misunderstand and take personally what I am trying to say. Your circumstances may be totally different and maybe God has told you to leave.
I am very nervous about writing this to you because I don't want to step on toes but if you truly feel so bad about leaving maybe you should do something different. I have grown very fond of you through your blog; be careful and take care of yourself and children. Love in Christ
You know there are no easy answers and you know what I feel because I've already told you.
ReplyDeleteI love you!
Sorry that you are in such pain. I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say thank you for the extreme courage it takes to write about your deepest hurts, especially in the midst of going through them.
ReplyDeleteKeep putting one foot in front of the other, Julie. You're doing great!
WAIL AWAY. Maybe you can't feel a momma to hold you... but I know Papa's waiting right there... on stand by. Again... I say... just BE.
I pray for you Julie. I remember that pain from my previous separation. I was the one who walked out physically because he was the one who had checked emotionally months before.
ReplyDeleteJust saying, I do know what that feels like. And I think of you often.
Hang in there, sweetie. Take it one moment at a time.
Juls, I just found your blog and we are going through the EXACT same thing. I am so glad that I was led to your postings. Maybe we can become blogging buddies and help each other.
ReplyDeleteI will certainly be keeping you in my thoughts.
"the other Mair"
........you'll walk again
ReplyDeletein fact, you'll dance again