Missing My Teens

Over the last several years, my life had become more and more intertwined with the teenagers who were my kids' friends, my friends' kids, and part of the youth group I was so blessed to be involved in. These kids brought a lot of laughter, late nights, soda and pizza, crazy games, loud music, and energy into my life - and joy beyond what I can describe. They loved you because you loved them. Their innocence was contagious - and their curiosity was infectious. Their whole lives were before them, and you couldn't help but want to share your mistakes with them, in the hopes that they would make better choices than you did. You want to protect them, and help them learn to be wise at the same time. I have missed them in a huge way over the last year. This afternoon, the kids in our neighborhood got out of school after half a day because they have "winter break" (who wouldda thought - when kids don't have a gazillion snow days, they actually get a week off in the winter!), and the familiar sound of music, teenage laughter and energy filled the house. I took the girls and two friends to dinner and the movies. It was great. I have missed them so much!
One thing I have especially missed was teen boys - geesh! Weird, huh? It was so nice having a teenage boy around - and a nice one - that says "ma'am" and "sir" and stuff like that! We tried to teach him how to say "xie xie" which is "thank you" in Chinese so he could say it to the waitress when we left the Chinese buffet after dinner. At first as he practiced, he was spitting it out rapidly, more like gunfire than manners, "shee shee" every time any of the wait staff walked by, in the enthusiastic way only a teenage boy can. I thought a more southern rendition - maybe "shee-ee, shee-ee y'all" would've been a little more appropo.
It was a great night! It helped fill in a lonely place in my heart.
(I still miss you guys though - Brenna, Tayva, Kameron, Devan, Kelly A., Justin, Dillon, Curtis, Jamey, Jon, Cody, Jessie, Rachel R., Sarah, David, Grace, Kayla, Colleen, Ryan, Laura, Kelly S., Mikaela, Angie, Martin, Hannah, Sarah, Rachel B., Amy, Lauren, Christiana, Mary, Paulie, Josh, Dawn, ....)

You know you have OCD when....

.....you can't concentrate while doing your quiet time in the morning because you notice dust around the edge of the living room rug, you can't write a blog entry because while pouring your coffee you noticed that the stove top desperately needs windex-ed, and when you're brushing your teeth you are so distracted by the Ty-d-bowl blue of the slight leak on the floor at the back of the toilet that you jam your toothbrush into your gums! This was my morning. I had to STOP EVERYTHING and do some house-cleaning. I don't think of myself as a "clean freak" -but I like things a certain way - and when they aren't it drives me nutty. While I am being so candid about my neurosis - let me tell you that my worst ever episode was one night when irritated by the bed covers that were twisting a strangle-hold around my legs, I ripped all of the covers off of my sleeping husband and remade the bed around him! Obviously there is an issue here - but since there is no chance I will be living in a white rubber room all by myself anytime soon - I and those that love me will just have to learn to live with it! Besides - I would be distracted by the blank walls and silence! There's no hope!

Oh yeah, and when I was windex-ing that stove - I noticed a button that says "speed bake". Any idea what the heck that thing is? Freaks me out. I mean, why don't they just put a button on there that says "Burn". I guess I'll have to figure out where I put the owner's manual and do some reading up.

Three Widows - A Grief Observed

This post may make some people that I love cry. I won't mean to - but I did want to write about the understanding that I am gleaning from a book I am reading. At the library the other day, Kendra happened to find A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis in a "used books for sale" box. Knowing he is one of my favorite authors, she said "Look mom!" and 15 cents later I was it's proud new owner. It is not a very long book - but it is definitely like observing someone from the inside out who has lost someone that they loved. The book is C.S. Lewis' journal written after the death of his wife Joy - a wife given to him after many years as a bachelor and seemingly snatched away by cancer. This book has personal meaning in my life, as my husband's mother and both of her sisters have all three been widowed in the last year and a half. What you witness in their lives externally, now takes on new definition to me as there is a whole internal aspect you come to understand you cannot be a spectator to. It makes me love them more. It makes me want to go visit each of them and sit and listen to them tell me stories of memories that mean so much to them, or maybe tell me nothing but just to be comforted by the presence of another person. The truth is when someone is grieving, the rest of us don't know what to do. We make a meal, send a card, mere trifles to a person who feels they are dying inside. This excerpt gave me pause and I felt it so deep, beyond the place that makes you cry:

I have no photograph of her that's any good. I cannot even see her face distinctly in my imagination. Yet the odd face of some stranger seen in a crowd this morning may come before me in vivid perfection the moment I close my eyes tonight. No doubt, the explanation is simple enough. We have seen the faces of those we know best so variously, from so many angles, in so many lights, with so many expressions - waking, sleeping, laughing, crying, eating, talking, thinking - that all the impressions crowd into our memory together and cancel out into a mere blur. But her voice is still vivid. The remembered voice - that can turn me at any moment to a whimpering child.

I cannot imagine what such a loss feels like. While I have lost grandparents that I loved, I loved them as a child. My heart was broken for their loss, truly, but not in the same way as that separation, the tearing away Mr. Lewis' describes of one with whom you have become "one flesh", and yet he distinguishes the limit to that - in that you cannot truly share someone else's weakness, fear or pain, no matter how badly you want to. There truly must be a sense, and it helps me to understand the anger that some have in grief, that your spouse has gone somewhere without you, that you cannot go. All religious platitudes fall short, and there are no words. God alone is the comforter, and it must seem to those grieving that He is even absent for a time. C.S. Lewis was a great theologian, and his struggles bring comfort to me as he brings his anger, doubts and fears to pen and paper. It is only when we ask questions, that God begins to answer.

Screaming "NO" in a Whisper

So, about nine months ago we moved. We loaded up all our earthly possessions and our three favorite children and we moved across.the.country from West Virginia to Texas. In WV I wore many hats. At church I was involved in the worship team,youth ministry, food pantry,vacation bible school, adopt-a-grandparent, and anythingelsethathappenedtocomealong. In the homeschool arena I helped coordinate yearly testing, directed co-op, edited the newsletter, moderated the yahoo group, and anythingelsethatcamealong. I also am a wife, a mother to three active children, and work a part-time job from home - which all of us know there is no such thing, etc. etc. etc. The truth of the matter is the anythingelsethatcamealong and the etc. was taking over my life. I was irritable with my family for the pressure I felt to meet all of these other obligations. I never had time to rest, and my health and heart (spiritually speaking) were suffering for it. I have an opportunity now to weigh my commitments very carefully. What I struggle with is not filling a need that I see, if I am able, although maybe not especially willing to meet. I have been learning to choose what is best over what is good or acceptable. I have also learned that my "quick fix" may well get in the way of allowing the person God is truly calling to fill that need to step up. I think all too often we aren't willing to wait for this process to happen, and a lot of burned out, worn down, and ineffective people are dragging ministries, homeschool groups, bible studies, quilting bees (ok I just threw that in for good measure!) behind them. As I have been having this internal streaming dialogue with myself, our family has become more and more plugged into activities in the area where we live. I feel sorry for the poor woman who suggested to me that I jump in so that the children can have a class on Wednesday nights at church. The speed at which "NO" exited my mouth left even me speechless.

Ah, the Great Outdoors

We found this incredible park in a neighboring town today, with a playground (even equipped with handicapped swings), basketball courts, a stream, walking path and footbridges. We found it quite by accident, but enjoyed the time in the sunshine. There were pavilions for picnicking and parties. I hope to spend a lot of time there in the spring. One of the nicest things of all was meeting another homeschooling family!
Kullen skipping rocks in the stream - Feb '07

SNOW: A Love Hate Relationship

My girls, Kendra & Kaitlyn circa Jan '96
My husband called me on his way to work this morning to tell me that all of our friends back in West Virginia were being covered by heavy snowfall. Initially when I hear reports of snow I am jealous. There are some things I love about snow. I love watching the kids bundle up to go and play -making snowmen, snow angels and having snowball fights. I love how silent the world feels as the flakes drift softly to the ground. The world that seems to spin and scream with activity is stilled and muffled under a blanket of white. You feel a sense of awe and wonder, and dare to even whisper for fear of disturbing something sacred. I loved living in the Blue Ridge Mountains on snowy days. It was a day to drink hot chocolate, watch movies, catch up on a good book, make Snow Cream and cook a big pot of soup! Even though we homeschool we typically called school off for at least the first day for the children to enjoy nature's wonderful white playground.
However, there is an ugly side to snow. For about one day it maintains this silent beauty, undisturbed by the pressure to move it aside and return to normal life. The next day, worries come in about the missed income should your husband not be able to get to work. The silence is disturbed by the sounds of snow blowers and salt trucks, and the scrape, scrape, scraping sound of what seems to be a million snow-shovels. The packed snow on the steps has a slight melt off in the daytime, and as it is packed down by the feet of those coming in and out of the house, becomes this thick, immovable block of ice. With a little more melting the tracks of footprints from house to car become a muddy mess, and your house and car wear the tell tale signs that it is winter. I have traveled down icy hills holding my breath as I slid out into oncoming traffic because of a commitment at the community theater, and been more scared than I care to remember traveling down snowy mountain roads on the way home from church.
The truth of the matter is that I love snow - but I can live without it! As much as I might miss it at times, I won' t miss it at all while I enjoy the 71 degree high today where I live!
FYI - the picture above is of my girls, Kendra & Kaitlyn circa Jan '96 - I intend to caption it when I figure out how!!!!

Our Window Garden

I was so excited when I heard that the last frost for our area in SE Texas was the 1st of March! I can't wait to get my garden started. I have really gotten excited about it this weekend because the weather has been so sunny and nice. Last Friday afternoon, Kullen and I covered the 7 x 5 island in my kitchen with dirt, and pots, egg cartons, and seeds of a large assortment. I had purchased these shelves to sit near a sunny window and start my seeds, so I figured I had better get them going. After we were all finished, I really and truly wondered if we would actually grow anything. But yesterday (only 2 1/2 days after planting them!) we started to see some sprouts! Zucchini and squash, melons and cucumbers are all coming up first. Some of the other plants, such as tomatoes, peppers and some of the herbs I planted seem a bit more reluctant. We started some of the seeds in soil, and others in a sort of terrarium environment with these neat pellet things that you expand with water and push the seeds in their centers. This is actually where we're seeing the best results so far. We are also using a "plant" light - as it has been so rainy here in east Texas that I wasn't sure there would be enough sunlight to get these babies going! Kullen is very excited about it- and he even gets upset with me if I happen to water it without him. I think this is one of the best learning experiences of all. I am enjoying the opportunity to work on it with him. I love the lessons of nurturing something and watching it grow! I love getting your hands in the dirt. I love it that we just recently read Genesis 1 again - and learned that each living thing produced seed "after its own kind" - and as Kullen and I planted, we talked about how neat it was to think that the very seeds we were planting descended from the first of those kind in Creation! All of life truly is an opportunity to worship!

Time settings

I am new to blogspot - so I was wondering if anyone has had a dilemma with the time stamp setting? I went in to the "settings" panel, and set the time to Central Standard Time - but it continues to come up as an hour later than it actually is. Any suggestions?

Being Grown Up is Overrated

Sometimes I feel sorry for kids whose parents are too grown up. I saw a clip on America's Funniest Home Videos the other night where a little girl had drawn all over her own face with bright colored markers. Her mother was video taping without amusement in her voice asking her why she did it. The child blamed a big brother that didn't exist. When asked what her daddy would say, she said, "I want to go wash my face now." I thought the whole thing was absolutely hilarious. I don't understand the seriousness of the issue. I learned a long time ago to pick my battles. I may laugh and then say, "Go wash your face now" but nonetheless, I would laugh, and teach my children to laugh at themselves in the process.
A couple of weekends ago, our neighbor's 3 year old had wandered over in 30 degree, rainy weather to run around on our porch. She proceeded to follow my son inside and was here for about 10 minutes when I noticed she was here. I asked my daughter to take her home as her parents were probably looking for her. We discovered that her parents weren't home, but had left her with her 5 and 7 year old sisters who were sleeping at the time. Knowing the dad often works at a neighbor's shop, we sent our son down the street on his bike to look for him. When the dad was found, he went storming into the house to spank the child. Being that it is a safety issue, and she needs to know she can't just wander out of the house whenever she wants, I understood his desire to impact the seriousness of the situation - and yet, I wondered who spanks the daddy for leaving small children alone like that!
When my son was about 4 years old, he was playing outdoors with a friend. They had gone around the corner of the house - and after giving them a minute or two to return I went to look for them. What I witnessed was two small white bottoms of children who were relieving themselves along the side of the house. I explained, smiling that if they needed to use the bathroom, they should go INSIDE the house. (even though I've seen any number of grown men doing just the same thing!) Later as I was telling the story to the other mother, I could see her eyes go from a twinkling expectation as I told her I had something funny to relay that the children had done, to a stern, distracted (looking over my shoulder for her child) expression. I hardly got to the end of my story before she had taken off after this child to exact her discipline.
Over the years, I have seen children almost wet their pants with fear for getting their clothes dirty, or breaking something. What adult among us hasn't worn home mustard on their shirt from the hot dog stand, or spilled a drink over dinner? I think that sometimes we behave in this angry, disciplinarian manner because it is how we were treated and we think it is the way a "grown up" should be. If that's how it is, count me in with Wendy and Peter Pan and even Jeffrey the Toys R Us giraffe who all said, "I don't want to grow up!" And Wendy who appropriately added, "I want to stay in the nursery!"

Made the Switch

I needed a "blogger" that I could rely on - and after a lot of anxiety over making the switch, I have decided to permanently host my blog here at Blogspot. What I'd really like to do is have a blog on my own domain - but I have technology retardation that doesn't allow me to do more than the basic blog editing. I do like my blog to look homey - and would like a blog template on the lines of BooMama's awesome blog! I love the simplicity of it - and yet the personal touch. It will take some time to get it all figured out. To those of you who have never visited my blog before, and my longtime blogging buddies, I hope that you will visit me often!
Blessings, Julie